LOST REVIEW #3 - Lucas reviews Four Loko (originally written in 2009)

here is my final "lost review." this one dates back to 2009, when Lucas Reviews Everything was still just a glint in my eye. here's some 3 year-old thoughts on Four Loko.

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Lucas reviews Four Loko (original)

"Four Loko is an energy drink, produced by the Drink Four Brewing Company, that also happens to pack a hefty amount of alcohol, which i did not realize until yesterday after i had already drank three of them in order to get a quick energy boost before a job interview. i do not remember how the interview went, but when i called the manager this morning to follow up on it she told me that she had to end the interview early after i tried to kiss her and threw up on her desk. after she turned me down i guess i got very upset and threw an anvil through her car. no one knows where i got the anvil. luckily i still landed the job (general manager at International House of Pancakes).

after the interview (and i only know this because i watched the news this morning) i took the bus home but was kicked off because, after the bus driver refused to let me drive, i just WOULDN'T stop screaming? also on the bus i met a homeless man named Smokestack and gave him ALL the money i had so he could go to college. eventually i fell asleep while waiting for what i thought was McDonald's (it was, in reality, a large pile of trash that i found on the street) to open. i was arrested and spent the night in jail and i can promise with 100% conviction that i will NEVER go to jail again.

 i am not suggesting that you avoid drinking Four Loko. i am literally begging you. the alcohol and caffeine combination will make you feel like a god and maybe help you land a job at IHOP but i promise that it will RUIN your life. in addition to bringing out your dark side and then giving it super powers, Four Loko tastes like if you were to throw a handful of batteries and Kool-Aid into a blender and drink it out of a hockey helmet . 0/10 please avoid.

p.s. no word on whether or not Smokestack has gone back to school."